I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
