So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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