Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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