areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
