I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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