So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
