the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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