We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
