a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
