I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
