When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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