Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I want to have your abortion
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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