you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
