can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
