The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
