At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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