just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
