I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
