God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
