I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
how drunk are you?
Several
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
