last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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