No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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