whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
