butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I could fuck to npr.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
