I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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