Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I booty called her while she was in labor.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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