She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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