i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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