dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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