i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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