i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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