anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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