I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
