This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
