All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
