lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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