I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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