it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
