in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
