Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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