I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
