Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
