my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
