i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
