There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
