i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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