Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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