Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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