It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
