I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
